Come what come may, Time and the hour run through the roughest day.This has been a quote often in my mind, in fact it used to be one I used on a very old blog I kept on Diaryland back in the early aughts. I discovered it taking a Shakespeare class in spring of 2002 and it became a very much appropriate one to remember just over a year later when I would go through one of the "roughest" days of my life.
This last year has been a series of somewhat rough days and yet, they have passed. The "what ifs" came, were answered, and went and I have managed to survive an entire school year without the girls' father in the same country, with very little help from family. There are days I have cried, raged a little, and wanted very much to quit but I managed to get through. In that time too, I quietly finalized my divorce from my husband, something done with little fanfare. The time since then has passed fairly quickly as well, past the six month point.
And now it is summer, something that seemed very much far away when temperatures were down to an insanely low -33 at one point (that's actual temperature, the windchill was even lower). The business of the school year is done and now we settle into that day by day leisurely summer schedule. I expect those days to pass quickly, they always do and it won't be long before another school year starts its approach. John will be gone another year so it will be just me and the girls again. At least now, I have almost a full year to look back on, children who are a year older, and a little bit more of a peace of mind that I can get through this.
I think the most challenging thing now is the loneliness that creeps up on me. And yet, the thought of getting into another relationship does not thrill me. I spent so much of my time being someone I was not in a relationship that fulfilled me less and less that I have no desire to go through that again and while there are probably plenty of people who would not be that way, I can't help but want to be more selfish with my time. At the same time, I wish for a little more help, a few more people asking how I am especially as I have ended a relationship I spent almost literally my entire adult life in thus far. Unfortunately, it seems the ones closest to me are simply too involved in their lives to really care and I grow tired of asking for help from them because it's usually the same result.
Ironically enough, these very same people will tell me how to take care of my children including telling me that I shouldn't send them to Korea to see their father. Not that they will do anything as far as taking them for any length of time so I can maybe get a break, a little bit of a breather, some space to cry. If they do help, I'm expected to be there the full time, not have other things to do (like go out and pay my lawyer or look at a newer, more reliable car because it was the only day off I would have on a business day for the next two weeks). In other words, their resentment is noticeable and I long ago decided that I would not ever EVER be in the position to be a burden to anyone. Been there, done that, simply will not go through it again.
I listen to music, a lot, and look for songs that empower when I can. While Natalie was in show choir this last year, they performed a song that hit home, a song done by Kelly Clarkson called Stronger (What Doesn't Kill You). The refrain pretty much nails it:
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone
What doesn't kill you makes a fighter
Footsteps even lighter
Doesn't mean I'm over 'cause you're goneWhat doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stronger
Just me, myself and I
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone
It's a good song, one on my playlist I play a lot especially when I need that reminder.
John's been gone over nine months now. It's just been me and the two girls for that whole time. We've gotten through a school year with a lot of challenges, events, snow days, illnesses, appointments, field trips, holidays (that we can actually celebrate now without worrying about how he will react to it), new traditions, old traditions that had to be changed or tweaked a little, tears, slammed doors, good days, bad days, rainy days, snowy days, hot days, really freaking cold days, and so on.
And it's not just that. In the past, I have always had someone I stayed with, someone I relied on at least a little bit for something whether that was transportation, money, housing, so on. Other than child support, and John paying a few things here and there because he can, I've been staying in my own place, driving my own car, working and earning the money needed to pay the bills, and doing what it takes. At the age of 38, that's big and not something I could do at any other time. It took me a long time to get to this point too.
There's more to do and I'm sure there will be more challenges yet to go; come what may.
