Wednesday, September 30, 2015

It's nice having a little time to myself.

John and the girls are off in Wisconsin Dells this week for the yearly Feast of Tabernacles event. Since I'm in my 4th week of school, I stayed behind and to be honest, I find it to be a nice 8 day vacation from the normal life of heavy responsibilities as a parent. That may sound mean but as an introvert, it's the recharging I desperately need and it gives me time to take care of myself, something I don't always have time to do when I'm taking care of three other people (yes, sometimes the husband needs as much care as the two girls!).

Today was a good example of this. For the last two years I have had an IUD. I do not want anymore children but going to a Catholic hospital does not make it easy to have a tubal done, especially when the one doctor who is able to at the other hospital has concerns about my size. An IUD was a good second choice and seemed to work fine until my period decided to go MIA for a week. There had been a report following the car accident we had over a year and a half ago that said my IUD was malpositioned (I had a CT done following the accident due to abdominal pain and other things). I brought it up with the OB who had me go in for an ultrasound which found the IUD not being where it was supposed to be.

So it came out and I had another one put in because at my age (along with a family history of blood clotting issues), I'm running out of options for birth control and I have no desire to just rely on the old "pull and prey" method. That's how I got Isabelle (my husband likes to call it the "meant to be" method). And while I'm quite happy with my second born, I fully feel that two is enough and I'm in nowhere near the physical or mental shape for another child, especially now that both girls are in school and I'm in school as well. While the procedure was pretty straightforward, I have been experiencing a little pain and cramping and it was nice to just be able to come home and rest and not have to worry about taking care of anyone else. It can be kind of tiring sometimes to constantly be on duty. And while I love my girls and miss them very much, I won't deny that it's nice to have a little time to myself to regroup and recharge.

Saturday, September 19, 2015

The more things change, the more they stay the same...

Finally summer ended and the girls started school September 1. John is grudgingly accepting it but there were definitely some bumps along the way. The school open house was the end of August and he was horrified to discover that Isabelle's teacher had visible tattoos. There was a picnic at a local park for parents and students new to the school and in K and first grades. Natalie, Isabelle, and I all found people to talk to. John just sat off on his own. Then later, he complained about the teacher's tattoos again because she was also at the picnic. The girls are going to a small charter school. It takes up one hallway in the building of another elementary school. And so far, they love it. There have been some challenges, yes. Mainly, those have consisted of all three of us getting used to the early mornings but their first week of school went off without too many issues which made it easy to be ready for my first week of school which started a week later.

However, there is still a lot of difficulties with John as he continues to be unhappy with the choices I am making in trying to make my life (in DBT terms), "a life worth living". He's unhappy with these choices because they go against HIS personal belief system in what a woman with a husband and children should be doing. I say HIS personal belief system because not everyone in his church does the same thing. There are women in his church who are married with kids and work and have their children in public school. But he expects me to stay at home, homeschool, and take care of everything in the household so that he can sleep as he needs to and go to work (and do extra things HE wants to do like go to school and sell Usbourne books).

I am becoming more than frustrated with him about this. It hurts that he says this and feels this way about me. More and more I find myself wondering what he ever saw in me in the first place that led him to wanting to marry me. I have even asked him that and he won't even give me an answer. I am not unfamiliar with this kind of a marriage. I saw this with my own parents. My father was extremely (and still is) conservative who felt that women should stay at home and have children and not have other people raise them. He wasn't against sending us to school (thank goodness because neither one of them could have homeschooled) but he always put down my mother's pursuit for her degree, calling it just a hobby. They seemed like two very opposite people and I know us kids always wondered why they even stayed together.

Because I see our marriage mirroring my parents' more and more, I'm trying to work as hard as I can to be in a place where I don't have to rely on my husband (or really ANYONE) anymore. I'm in school; I'm working my way to a degree in a field I should be able to get a job in. I'm working with DVR. Next step is for me to get my driver's license. I know having that will make many things easier and will lessen that dependency even more. Because I know there will be a point where we will reach a fork in the road and one of us will go one way and the other will simply choose not to follow. In the meantime, I just have to keep taking it day by day and focus on the goal.