Fourteen months is entirely too long to update in a mere journal entry. Suffice to say, I'm still here, still moving day by day, still figuring out my place in this world and in this life I have. It's been interesting, to say the least. At one time, I honestly thought once my marriage was over that would be it, I would never have a snowball's chance in hell of ever finding anyone. But, while I'm not sure if I'll be ready to go into a relationship anytime soon, I do have more optimism that that day may come again someday and that John was not my only chance of finding love and being loved.
It is sort of fascinating though how things turn out. How a decision made one day leads to an opportunity another day. And that sometimes, the best thing to do is take a chance, take that risk, and see what happens. I did this when I went back to school, in hopes of getting a degree that would get me a job and help me be more independent whether I remained in my marriage or not. I did this when I decided to no longer wait for someone, that if I someday wanted a relationship, I needed to first go out and figure out what I want instead of just knowing what I did NOT want (there is a difference). And that has brought about some results that has me seeing myself differently and that has been rather empowering.
This year though has not been without it's massive challenges. We are still technically in the middle of a pandemic (though really it's pretty much endemic at this point). Last year the girls schooled virtually for a good part of the year. This was a huge challenge for both of them and they both really really struggled. John finally returned from Korea in April which added its own challenging especially as he has his own beliefs in as far as the pandemic goes and has no issues telling everyone just how he feels about it too whether they want to hear it or not. Tact and diplomacy has never been his strong points. And I don't think it would be so bad if it was adults he would rant to but he instead rants to the girls and they don't know what to do with that. They have to go along with what the adults tell them to do. They want nothing more than for things to be normal and things still aren't totally normal. That's just the reality.
And, while I had hoped that him returning would mean maybe a little more time to myself, a little more of a break, that has yet to materialize. He has no ability to have the girls overnight. He picks them up from school and takes them on occasion for a couple of hours to go bowling or out to eat. That's it. So, still the parent who does it all pretty much except now I deal with accusations that I'm deliberately keeping the girls from him or excluding him from their lives. Someday, I will radically accept that I will never ever win with him. When that day comes, I will be able to leave behind a lot of that stress. Whether that will happen before or AFTER the girls grow up, that remains to be seen.
In the meantime, I keep on keeping on. Somedays, I have my breakdowns and outbursts. But then, I stand up, dust myself off, and continue on. All I can do. I've made it this far having dealt with worse.
