Trying this on my phone. We'll see how it works. I've been getting back out there in as far as seeing what the possibilities are relationship wise. It's been eye opening to say the least. There are possibilities I never considered as far as relationships go and it has me asking myself a lot of questions including whether I even want a full time relationship.
My years with John were difficult and not just for me but for the girls too. We did not feel safe to be who we were. Did not feel safe to explore and figure out what our values were. The last three years plus has given all of us space for that and one concern I continue to have is bringing anyone into that safe space full time, merging that person's life into ours and trying to adjust to their values and their beliefs.
It has me extra sensitive unfortunately. I did not feel safe to assert my independence living at home. Any attempt on my part to grow, to become more independent was met with anger and at times even rage. My parents' response could be very extreme because they wanted that control. So every step to independence was a threat to them.
When the murder happened, it stopped that process cold. I got married and had a family but I traded any desire for independence for a marriage that I became absolutely powerless in. And I played a part in that powerlessness because I was afraid to try and assert any independence. I did that and look what happened. Besides, I was supposed to do my part in being a good wife and independence within a marriage is not good, I thought.
It has taken a lot of years and a ton of therapy to question that and eventually start to have my own mind again. I came to realize that for me, having a life worth living started with becoming more independent so I did not need to rely on someone in my life.
And that was not an easy process. John fought me every single step of the way. He made attempts to sabotage me when I went back to school. He constantly berated me for not doing my duties as a mother and as a wife. He withdrew his affection.
And part of that process in becoming independent was realizing that the marriage could not be saved and part of that process included accepting the fact that I may be alone for the rest of my life if I left John. That that was a risk I would be taking. That I would be doing this alone. That may have been the hardest part for me.
Once I accepted that, I was able to move to the next step of ending the marriage. And for almost two years after that, I dealt with being alone.
And now, that next stage starts. Because I realize that there is a possibility out there, that maybe I can find someone again but with that comes a tremendous fear that I will make the same mistakes as before, that I will become desperate for that love and affection that I will start to give up those pieces of myself that are important to me.
And so at times, those fears have been triggered and a lot of emotions are coming up that I haven't had to deal with being alone. And they are at times very very difficult emotions and I find I am not handling them well.
I'm still trying to figure out who I am and what I believe and what my values are at the age of 41. Most people have this all figured out already but I don't because I never felt safe enough to. And at times, I do wonder if I will ever feel secure enough or safe enough to be fully in a relationship with someone. And right now, I really don't know.
