Saturday, July 28, 2018

Big Changes on the Horizon

And they're kind of freaking me out! After almost 8 years of being back in the US, John has decided it was time to go back to teaching in South Korea. There's been a lot of changes already this past year with me getting a full-time job but he's been wanting to do this for awhile and with other decisions that have been made, he decided that now was the time. I tend to forget though how fast things go when he gets a position. There's usually not more than a month before he has to actually be there from the time he is hired. In this case, it was about three weeks before we figure he's to get on the plane to get there. In the meantime, the documents all have to be sent to South Korea (this can't be done electronically either so it's a huge pain AND expense) to be viewed by immigration. He needs to get his visa approved. He needs to get a plane ticket (that part the school handles at least but still!) and since he's likely flying out of Chicago, we have to get him there. And all of this is be finalized by mid-August.

If that's not stressful enough, August is the month before school starts and all the things that go with that: school supply shopping, clothes shopping, open house, final get togethers, and so on. And then there's all that needs to be prepared before he goes like transferring the car payments to my account, clearing out the locket we've had, cleaning out the car since I will be driving it more, and so on. After August 13, give or take a day or so, I will be on my own with two kids, working full-time, and with a driver's license that's so new, it's still probationary (I don't get my REAL driver's license for another year). I've yet to drive in snow and I live in Wisconsin where winter is inevitable. So yeah, I'm kind of freaking out in that every so often at work, I feel like I'm having a panic attack.

Marsha Linehan who created Dialectical Behavior Therapy used to talk about mindfulness and being in the current moment. And one way she really kind of brings the point home is when she says to picture yourself walking. And imagine situations where you are walking. She has three in particular: walking to the bathroom, walking to accept an award, and walking to the guillotine. Obviously, you're going to feel differently with each one. But the point is to get to where even if you're walking to the guillotine, you feel the same as you would walking to the bathroom, neutral. The idea is to focus on the moment, to focus on JUST walking.

I have scoffed at this because sorry, walking to the guillotine is just going to freak me out period. But it brings up a point too. What can you do about it? What can you control in this moment? Looking ahead, in this case, only makes it worse. Instead, by focusing on the moment you are in, the suffering lessens.

It is something I'm really struggling with right now because all my brain thinks about is the "what ifs". What do I do if this happens? How do I handle this? And some of these may well happen, others may not and in the meantime, the panic is real.

So yeah, definitely struggling with that emotional mind thing right now, and not being as mindful as I could be.

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