I can't do this anymore.

 I'm holding by the very thinnest of threads, trying to scream, my voice silent or it seems to be because no one seems to hear me. Can anyone hear me? I say I'm not doing well. I haven't been able to work for most of this month. I'm lonely, SO damn lonely for human contact, for someone, SOMEONE to give a damn and spend some time with me, actually ask me how I am doing and be there for ME without me having to give SO MUCH in return. I try and I try and I try to give people what they want but I never get back nearly what I give and it hurts, it HURTS. I just want someone to care what actually happens to me. If I were to disappear, would anyone even notice? Would anyone even care? I don't know anymore. I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of being strong. I'm ALWAYS having to be strong. I'm sick to death of it. I don't want to be strong and have to keep going on in the face of all this shit. Because no one notices when you're strong, no one is there for you when you're strong. They just ignore you. I'm so tired of doing this all alone. It wasn't supposed to be this way. It wasn't supposed to be like this. Have I not gone through enough in my life? Do I not deserve some fucking happiness? I'm just so so damn tired of it all.

Where were you on September 11, 2001?

It's one of those pivotal events in world history. That moment where, again, the world is turned upside down. Assumptions you had of your world are shaken and you don't quite know what to do. That was September 11th for me. And to this day, I still think it had a major effect on my parents and led to the events that occurred less than 2 years later.

I do remember that day though. I was a resident assistant at the time at the local Catholic university. I had been on rounds the night before and the last set of rounds are at midnight so by the time I got to bed it was pretty late. I was running a little late turning in my pager and the on-call binder so I was rushing. I had an appointment later that morning and needed to get ready. I remember hearing the radio when I came in and putting away the pager and binder. I'm just about to leave when the head of residence life stopped me. He asked if I heard that two planes had been hijacked and flown into the World Trade Center. Now, color me a tad clueless because I didn't know exactly what buildings those were but I knew it was a huge deal and the first thought that crossed my head was to call my mom.

I rushed back to my room which was on the fifth floor of the adjoining building. I tried to call my mom (back then, it was still good old landline telephones on the wall with cords) but didn't reach her. I called John, told him to turn on the TV. I called my mom again. This time she answered. I told her what happened and her response was, "What?" in her typical fashion. She did eventually either get the TV on or the radio going and got the news. I still had my appointment so I got ready as did she since she was taking me to my appointment. She picked me up a short time later and we sit in the car and listen to the news on the way to my appointment.

Later, we're back on campus and she's having lunch with me. The large TV in the student union is playing scenes of the towers' collapse over and over. Students are quiet, not boisterously loud as they usually are. It was surreal and I remember sitting with my mom eating lunch and her commenting that it reminded her of when John F. Kennedy was killed. She was a senior in high school at the time.

Another thing I remember that day is how blue and clear the sky was. It was a beautiful September day and any days like that now reminds me of the tragedy. It's hard to believe that it's been 19 years now. My oldest daughter obviously was not yet around, would be another 4 years before she would be born. And they've learned about it, heard about it of course but it's a story to them. In fact, we were watching an episode of Criminal Minds that was on something regarding biological chemical warfare and anthrax was mentioned. I happened to say I remember when all of that went down in 2001. And Natalie looks at me and was just astounded. She thought it was just something made up on a show. No, it was very much real but for these kids, it's just a part of history.

And now, they're living in their own history in the making with Covid-19. All of these stories, all of these things that happen in our lifetimes that become part of the history of the world, but really when it comes down to it, outside of those events, life moves on, people move on, and the world continues.

A World Turned Upside Down

Right now, it's about the best way to describe it. The girls are back in school...virtually. After the um disaster of the last quarter of the 2019-2020 school year, the districts at least prepared for this coming year to be pretty much anything. And right now, that's virtual. Last Tuesday was the "official" first day of school but it was a first day of school like no other. I drove Natalie to her high school to pick up her supplies and her violin for orchestra. You drove into the parking lot at your assigned time, the person noted the name we had on the sheet in the windshield, and called into a walkie talkie to let them know who was there for their supplies. It felt surreal. These last six months have felt surreal and I don't see that changing anytime soon.

Isabelle at least was able to go into the building and see her teacher. First, we had to have our masks and we had to fill out a survey saying we did not currently have any symptoms of Covid-19. At the door, they took our temperature and then we were able to go in. Her teacher had on a mask and had went over all the stuff with Isabelle on her iPad so she would be ready for class the following Tuesday since it was going to take awhile for everyone to get their supplies. He helped her collect all of her supplies and that was it, more or less. No putting supplies in their desks or lockers. No hugs. No seeing other classmates. Again, very surreal. So that was the first day of school for both of them.

Natalie had gotten her laptop about two weeks before but I hadn't had a chance to do anything with it and wouldn't you know, when I do, it's the night before she's supposed to log on and I run into technical issues. Go figure. But working 45 hours a week just did not give me much time to get things done. I decided then and there I needed a break. And that's what I have been doing. I have taken some time off of work to get a much needed mental health break and to be avail to deal with all the technical issues that have so far come up with Natalie's schooling. I imagine there will be issues tomorrow as well when both of them go online for classes. Hopefully, by the time I go back on Thursday, these hiccups will be few and far between. I have no idea otherwise how I'm going to make everything work.

It's been exhausting and frankly, I'm kind of tired of feeling like I live in a dystopian novel.