Saturday, May 23, 2015

It's been a bit of a rough transition.

I never did really like summer vacation. I needed school. In school, I knew I was intelligent and it was validated on a daily basis. At home, I often felt like I wasn't good enough, no matter what I did. When I was in the early elementary grades, summers weren't too bad. We had a ten acre farm and I would run around and play or read. The summer after our house burned down kind of sucked because there was four of us in a ten foot pop up camper but we spent a lot of time at the lake (just our luck that our house burned down just prior to one of the hottest summers on record) and when my mom really got sick of the heat, we stayed in a hotel. Having a really good imagination back then, I kept myself pretty well occupied. As I got older though and after my dad moved back in with us, summers kind of sucked. Eventually I did get better at signing myself up for things and keeping busy but I was always happy when the school year rolled around again and I could get away.

That hasn't changed much. I really enjoyed being in school this year. For the first time in a really long time, I was able to use my intelligence again and really succeed. I made friends, had things to talk about that didn't involve the bathroom habits of my children, and learned new things. I was happy and felt I had a purpose again. I've been out of school for almost a month now and I'm about to go insane. I'm trying to get Natalie ready for school next fall so I'm really pushing the homeschooling with her. It's still a fight a lot of days. Granted, it's not quite so bad as it's been in the past but she'll still try to delay and she will take forever to do anything. I constantly feel like I don't know what the hell I'm doing. I need to work with her on her writing. I'm REALLY concerned about her writing but I don't even know where to start.

John is the one who wanted them homeschooled. John is the one who has had SOME experience in teaching. But he won't help. It's MY JOB. I'm the MOM. I'm the one who is supposed to be staying at home and doing all the things a stay at home mom is expected to do. He points out constantly how I'm failing that and I am. I SUCK at housekeeping. I never was that great at it because no one in my family was good at it. I try; I really do try but I can't do it all and I don't get any help.

And so that old depression is coming back and my need to escape is returning. John and I are constantly fighting and yesterday, I just gave up and tuned out. I took two Xanax and basically called it a day. I just wanted to be numb. I felt so overwhelmed by the feelings of unhappiness and failure that I had trouble breathing. And I felt so alone.

I still have three months before I go back to school. School ended early this spring but starts late this fall. The girls will start school before I do. But in the meantime, I get to hear how much of a failure I am as a mother because I'm not doing my motherly duty staying home and homeschooling my kids.

2 comments:

Karen Loethen said...

HEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Please don't buy that crap!
#1 - Housekeeping is completely THANKLESS and if you were doing it like a pro, no one would notice.
#2 - Being the mother doesn't give you an automatic set of rules and roles! That is total BS.
#3 - Don't let anyone else tell you who you are and what you are worth!
#4 - Your value is not decided by someone else.

Karen

Janeen said...

Thanks Karen. It's one of the frustrating things with our beliefs being so different. He has gotten more and more conservative about the role women should have and that's not something I agree with but at the same time, I'm a people pleaser so it hurts more when he's not happy with what I'm doing especially when it's not something I'm really good at. I just do not have the patience (especially when I'm sick or dealing with my fun time of the month).