Friday, May 01, 2015

My first school year is over and done; just two more to go.

I'm happy to say that both this semester and last, I have done rather well on the grade front. Last semester ended with grades of A,A,AB, and B. This semester I didn't do as well but still good grades: A,AB,AB, and B. I'll say it was because I had four classes specific to my major instead of two of them being general education classes like I had the first semester. So, that being all done and signed up for classes this fall, I now wait. It's going to be a long four months. I'm actually thinking of looking for a job to give myself something to do because I'm already feeling restless and a little depressed having to be home all the time.

John is back in school which means next to no sleep for him as he spends hours up hours writing papers for his online classes. He usually ends up with a paper to do a week and they can take up quite a bit of his time. He started up again before I finished the semester so things have kind of gone to heck in the last few weeks household wise. It's frustrating because there never really is any communication, just sort of this situation where things aren't done and haven't been done and now that I'm finished with school, I'm expected to suddenly have everything clean and put away. Uh, ok. Along with that, I'm still expected to do all of the homeschooling. Actually, these expectations didn't end while I was in school and due to that, I'm accused of failing my duties as a mother on a fairly regular basis.

One thing that has really had to change was the homeschooling situation. My oldest does not want to do schoolwork at all. And from the beginning, she has fought me and that hasn't changed. Along with that, it was expected that I would be the one to homeschool even though I'm not the one who is gung ho on it in the first place. I see the benefits. I see where it may even be necessary. However, for all of the responsibility to be dropped on me when I have little to no experience (compared to my husband who has subbed and has taught overseas) with very little to no help at all in research, curriculum selection, etc just has not been fair. Yes, he works. And yes now he's back in school (for a Master's degree in education of all things!). But he should still bear some responsibility for it when he's the one who wanted it to begin with. When I went back to school, my time and ability to deal with a child who did not want to do her schoolwork dropped. Her father has not taken over the homeschool. She has been taught very little this year so far. Her sister turns five in July and the thought of trying to homeschool two children and go to school myself was not something that seemed possible to do anymore. And so both girls will be going to school next fall. They are going to a charter school, a school for technology and arts. I've heard good things about it and I think it will be a good transition for my oldest. In the meantime, I'll have the summer to get her ready now that I'm done with classes for the next four months.

Naturally my husband is not happy about this. This is one of the reasons these days why he will throw my whole failing as a mother thing at me. I'm giving up. I'm not trying harder. What I don't get is how he's pushing for me to be the one to school them when we do not whatsoever agree on religion or on subjects such as evolution. There is no way I would ever teach them from a religious framework. And anything scientific I would teach with no connection to religion at all. And it may not seem like much when you first think about it but questions come up pretty quick if you try to look much beyond the first writing civilizations. Not to mention, I am an atheist. He is not. He believes that the Bible is word for word true. I definitely do not. I see Christianity in all its flavors as nothing more than a myth, no different than Greek mythology. So to even have ME be the one to homeschool them would potentially expose both of my children to ideas that are outside of the belief system he wants them to learn. And he's worried about them going to public school?!

There will be more of this to come, I'm sure and I'll just have to keep on keeping on and not let it get to me or derail me. I have every intention of finishing school and getting a career. Being back in school has given me a purpose for each day I hadn't had in a long time. And each family is different but I know for me, I really do not enjoy depending on my husband financially. I need more; I need something to challenge me mentally and being a stay at home just wasn't doing it. If that makes me a failure as a mother, so be it. But I'd like to think that being a happy mother rather than a miserable one is important too.

My husband may not see the changes (or if he does, he sees them as a negative thing), but others do and have been impressed with how far I've come. That at least makes it a little easier for me when the "failure as a mom" comments get thrown my way.


Karen Loethen said...

Of course you know, as you type this, that John's actions and expectations are completely unreasonable, right?
Use this writing as a way to remind yourself that YOU ARE SANE and REASONABLE. You are unhappy as hell because your worth and your needs and your preferences are ignored.
Having that child who doesn't cooperate with the whole "school at home" thing SUCKS. She needs to know that if she can't do "school at home" then she will be doing "school at school" while you and your other child continue homeschool.....OR some other type of natural consequence. You're not ANGRy with her, you're concerned and you need to do what is right for her.

Just NO and NO about how John is allowed to talk down to you, Janeen. He has no superiority over you. His "grumpiness" (as you generously call his verbal abuse) is not a privilege that he is ALLOWED. You have every right to demand and expect respect.

You feel depressed because you feel powerless and trapped.

Karen Loethen said...

Also, you are not "A failure of a mom" because you are not pleasing your husband! That is total emotional abuse to say that to any mother!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I dont know if it will help, but maybe read some of this blog if you have time:

Karen Loethen said...

I'm so thrilled you are in school!
If you need to, find an online course to pour your interest and attention into...there are some great ones out there. :)
I always feel better when I am learning and/or improving myself too! That makes total sense!

Janeen said...

Thanks Karen. I'm very happy to be back in school too. Now, if it would just hurry up and start again. I did sign up for something on Khan Academy for coding. I was going to take a class on it over the summer instead of fall but goofed when I went to register and by the time I realized I goofed, the class was full. The program I'm in doesn't really do classes over the summer but some I can get away with taking because I'm in the other program that does have summer classes, it's just the one year degree for that program instead of the two year but my plan for next summer is to really try to grab another CISCO class since I should be able to at least do that. It would extend me beyond what's required for the 1 year degree but would give me more coursework in the Networking field. In the meantime, I'm still trying to figure out how to balance it all when I have a child I do have to about sit on to do her school work. Even when I do get John to help, he tends to fall asleep because he can't just SIT down somewhere without doing something. I am hoping that school with be what my older daughter needs to get a little more motivation because she definitely is not motivated otherwise.