The Doomsday Clock is 30 seconds closer to Midnight

This past week, it was announced that humans as a species is 30 seconds closer to annihilation. Now two minutes to midnight, we are the closest to midnight we have been since the Cold War of the 1950's. Concerns of climate change along with increased tensions with countries that have access to nuclear weapons have led to this announcement. If you want to learn more about the Doomsday Clock including when it started, how it came to be, and what it actually measures, you can go here:
Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists

Years ago I got hooked into dystopian fiction when I read a book called A Time of Darkness. It was fascinating and it told of one possibility of a result of nuclear war. This soon led to other equally grim novels: On the Beach, The Giver, After the Bomb, Fail Safe, Hiroshima, and more that I can no longer recall the titles to. It became a bit of an obsession for me at one time, something I learned about and read about. Music I listened to like Peter Schilling added to the mood.

Ironically, we were living in a time that was relatively peaceful. These were the days the Doomsday Clock was the farthest it had ever  been since its creation. From 1991 to 1995, it was at 17 minutes and from 1995 to 1998 it was at 14 minutes. Nuclear war wasn't something we were really concerned about but all those old novels certainly triggered my imagination.

Now, we're living in a time where our kids DO have to worry. It may have been an error but people in Hawaii recently received alerts that a missile was heading for them. No one knew what to do. We are closer now to the threat of nuclear war than we have been in over 50 years. The clock is ticking down. And we have world leaders who are antagonizing each other on Twitter about the size of their nuclear buttons. I mean, REALLY?!

There's nowhere else to go. This is the one and only planet we have and if we screw it up, that's it; we're dead, all of us. I wish world leaders would keep that in mind as they make some of the decisions they make. In some scenarios, there are no second chances. Other scenarios, like climate change, there are but only if we act SOON.

This is one area where religion can be dangerous. Not all religions believe this but there are those who are hoping for this very thing. They hope for this because they believe that they will be saved before total annihilation and when they are, only those who are worthy will remain. This thinking is dangerous for pretty obvious reasons. If you believe that you will be saved by a supreme being and the earth will be restored no matter what is done to it, what motivation is there to keep it going as it is now, especially when by this supreme being restoring it, that supreme being also fixes the problem of all those pesky people who don't believe the same thing.

My husband's church believes in something called the millennium. The millennium is this 1000 year period of peace that will follow the tribulations where those who made it through the tribulations (by being in a place of safety if I remember right) and those brought back to life during the first resurrection (known as the first fruits). Because of this promise, first of all, they constantly believe they are in the end times, OBSESSED with the idea of living in the end times in some cases, looking for all the clues and all the signs that maybe, JUST MAYBE this is IT and Jesus will come back and save them all. And then for 1000 years all will be perfect and then there will be this final battle and after that, earth will basically be heaven, all those non-believers will be thrown into the Lake of Fire and that's it, the end, happily ever after.

They meet once a year at something called the Feast of Tabernacles to give people an idea of how this time could be with the last day of this 8 day festival known as the Last Great Day which is all about the final judgement of man, the second and third resurrections. FYI: The Branch Davidians also believed in the millennium.

So you have people like that, and people of other religions who are hoping and sadly, even praying for the end of our world, the end of life as we know it, the end of humankind even because why not, as far as they are concerned, they have nothing to worry about, their god will save them and the rest will go to hell.

It boggles my mind and it scares the crap out of me. It should scare the crap out you too because these are not people who are going to help us get farther from that midnight deadline. If they had their way, they would drive us all the way past it. It's up to the rest of us to somehow fight this so that we ALL have a chance of living, not just those under the severe delusion of their religion.

What's Next?

For me, 2017 was a year of changes. Even before 2016 ended, I was reaching goals I did expect to ever meet. I got my driver's license the day after I turned 36, something that I had desired for many years but was too afraid to really work towards. I graduated college with an associate's degree. I found a full-time job and I've been working at that job now for over three months.

Now, nearly a month into 2018, I find myself wondering what's next. What do I want out of my life? What goals do I want to meet? What do I want to accomplish? I don't know if those questions are more pressing now due to the current state of this country or if I'm just feeling it more due to my age. Maybe it's both? I can't help but feel I want to do more, I NEED to do more. Just what that is though, I'm not sure.

It's a little unsettling, this feeling. It's almost a state of restlessness. At the same time, I'm busy at work and most nights come home pretty worn out. I enjoy my job and it's not a difficult job but I do spend most of at least 8 hours on the phone, some weeks more due to mandatory extra hours. There will be changes there too, there always are in the kind of place I work at. But still, I don't think the question has fully been answered yet for me. What do I want out life? What do I want to accomplish? What are my ultimate goals?

It's interesting. In the first stage of dialectical behavior therapy, it's life threatening and life interfering behaviors that are addressed. I struggled more with life interfering than life threatening. I was unhappy and very aimless. There were days it was hard for me to get out of bed. I was homeschooling but hated it. I hated relying on John for money because his values were (and still are) so different from mine. I was living an existence I absolutely did not enjoy and felt I could do nothing about.

I'm extremely thankful and grateful to be past that but now, I want more from life than simply living day by day and going to work. The current state of the world, the current state of this country especially has me wondering what more I can do and how can I reach a point where I have the energy to accomplish all I wish to.

I'm even finding the freethinker's group I'm involved with lacking. I still enjoy the group and many of the discussions we have. However, in some ways, it is too inclusive and in others ways, it is not inclusive enough. It is a group of mostly older white adults. I'm one of the youngest. Politics are usually avoided unless it pertains to separation of church and state but even that isn't gone into as much as it should. The person who founded the group is no longer running it. He stepped down, understandably due to his age (he is in his mid-seventies) and health. The current president doesn't seem to be all that into it and my understanding is he doesn't plan to be president after March.

It's a freethinker's group in that it is a group of those who do not believe in a divine being but that's sort of the only requirement. And therein, I feel, lies the problem. Maybe it's because I'm younger. Maybe it's because I've watched too many episodes of Star Trek (just finished one about an hour ago). I think more needs to be stated than just a group of those who are non-believers who believe in separation of church and state. What about equal rights? What about taking care of those who are vulnerable in our society? What about inclusion?

I just feel like something is missing here and I feel like it is up to me to do something about it, I just don't know how to go about doing that or how to find the time and the energy that I sorely lack to do so.

My Values

A common misconception about atheists is that we are lacking in morals and values. Nothing can be farther from the truth. However, we don't have our values outlined by a 2000+ year old book. Not only do we have to determine for ourselves what our values are but the reasons behind those values. It's easy for someone to say "I believe in such and such and do such and such because that is what the bible says I should do, that is what god says I should do." It's not so easy to decide what to believe for yourself in as far as what is right and wrong and not only that, to determine why it is right or wrong. Taking an ethics class can be quite a learning experience because it makes you look at the reasons why something is right/wrong and the means that it is determined to be so. Religious beliefs are just one of the many ways in which a person may come to a conclusion not only about what is right/wrong but WHY.

At the age of 37, I'm still working on this. It took me a long time to realize that I was not a believer. I tried to cling to the idea of being a believer. I felt for some reason that it was necessary of me to believe. I didn't really have an idea that being a non-believer was possible, something that many people embraced and something that was OK to embrace. It was only when I found an article in the local paper that I discovered there was a group of people locally who did not believe. That was over 5 years ago and I'm still working on my own value system. Some things for sure I know are wrong for multiple reasons that have little to do with religion. Some things are not so black and white.

So, in no particular order, here is the start of a list of what are values for me. It's not perfect and I know I'm not perfect in always keeping with those values but these are the things I believe are important.

1. I don't like lying. I don't like to lie to people and I really hate when people lie to me. I feel it can destroy trust and it can cause issues for a relationship years down the road. I feel omitting important information is just as bad as lying. Lying about your age, religious beliefs, your values, etc to get me to like is not going to work out very well in the end. I will never understand why people have to construct an entire identity that is not them in order to get someone to like them and stay with them. The truth eventually comes out if that is not really who you are. Pretending, to me, just doesn't make any sense. But sadly, people do it all too often and my husband has done this which is why we have so many issues in our marriage. I don't think I would have stayed with him ultimately if I had known just how encompassing his religious beliefs were. But he lied to me; he lied to his best friend about our relationship; he lied to everyone about many things including his age. It's something that for me will now be a deal breaker in a any kind of a relationship. I won't tolerate it anymore. A person who is willing to lie about big things like that will like about other things and will continue to lie.

2. I don't like stealing. Fastest way to get me to more or less dislike you for life is to steal from me. My younger sister's best friend did this and to this day I still do not understand why she is friends with this person because stealing money from me was bad enough, she stole my sister's husband too! But who my sister hands out with is her deal. I just won't go anywhere near this person. It wasn't much money but it was at a time I was leaving my husband and it was a small purse of change that was more or less the last bit of money I had at the time. And I was leaving my husband at that time (when my oldest was only 6 months old) because he was taking 20% of the very little bit of money we were getting at the time and putting it towards tithes. He wasn't working. He was out of work and I was staying at home with a six month old and I was nursing. Formula was not an option because he felt it was poison. But he felt obligated to his church and had to not only take out this 20% but then hid it from me and eventually got himself a savings account I could not access. Want to really get me going on a rant? Mention tithing. As far as I am concerned it is one of the things that truly makes a church evil, to require those who are living on fixed incomes, government assistance, etc to tithe.

3. I feel we should do more for the environment. Earth is the only home we have and we need to take care of it. I'm not perfect with this. I try to remember to recycle when possible but it's not always easy for me to figure out what can be recycled here. We're doing better than we used to but there is always room for improvement. Eventually, I want to reach a point where I can contribute money towards these efforts as well.

4. I feel we should all do our part to make the world a better place and help when we can. This is another area that I want to do more with and I'm hoping to get more of a chance with my job this year. But I think the more we do for our fellow humans, the better we all will be. We do not live on an island. The things we do affect others. Why not use that to do good?

5. I feel war will not make things better, compassion and tolerance will. We need to stop having the idea that everyone has to think and do the same thing. We need to stop fighting about what one's god wants him/her to do and look to realistic and doable solutions to the problems we have. If we don't, we will destroy the only home we have and kill nearly everyone in the process.

This last year has been a difficult one because I feel that the US has gone in a direction that is not as kind or generous. It hurts to see the things that the current administration is doing: the bigotry, xenophobia, and outright greed. I do have some hope that the next generation will be better. I hear it when I listen to my oldest daughter go against her father's values of homophobia and bigotry. It amazes me she is already able to stand up for herself and share what her developing values are, something that I was not able to do at her age. I really hope that ultimately, there will be generation of children like her, a generation that will completely and totally change our world for the better. And hopefully the steps towards that change will start sooner, with my generation. It's there. I just worry that things will get worse before they get better.

So again, this is a very much incomplete list that I hope to expand on. In the meantime, I'll leave you with a quote from Dr. Wayne Dyer:

  “When given the choice between being right and being kind, choose kind.”

Things I Love

I'm doing this challenge that I happened to see in a bullet journaling group I'm in (one day I'll get back to doing that too). You can find it here: Boho Berry Challenge January Check-In. I'm not doing the days in order. That gets boring. I may skip some days too. Today, I wanted to focus on things I love. I don't do that enough and there's so much negativity in the world sometimes that talking about the things that make us happy is almost an anomaly. And one thing I do want to try and do more is be more positive and focus on the positives. So, here is my unedited, thrown together list of however many I come up with before heading to bed:

1. My girls. Both of them have their own uniqueness about them and I love different things about each of them. I love how my oldest is starting to think more and more and get a better grasp on the world. I love how my youngest is developing a quirky sense of humor. I love seeing how alike they are and how different both right now and when they were each a certain age. I'm looking forward to seeing how they grow and develop and how they will tackle the challenges of growing up and becoming adults.

2. Books. I do not know what I would do without books. Since I was 7 years old and able to read chapter books, they have taken me to many a world, stretched my mind, made me think, made me wonder. I see the imagination of the writers behind those books and am enthralled, sometimes envious. My own writings sometime struggle to come out but someday I hope to do more of it. Until then, there are always books to dive in and wade through. And while some people might despise them, having a tablet makes it much easier for me to carry hundreds of books without the need for renting another house. Not to mention, it's much easier to stash in my pure!

3. Coffee. That sweet, sweet elixir of life that gets me through the day (especially since I add creamer and sugar to my coffee). Probably the best thing is to sit on a quiet morning when no one is up and drink and just enjoy that first hot sip that goes down just right. And while I enjoy frappes and cold brew coffee as well, there's nothing better on a cold winter's day than a steaming mug of hot coffee with flavored creamer. Divine.

4. Solitude. The older I get, the more I enjoy those moments of just being by myself. Whether it's sitting alone in the living room with a mug of coffee or lying down in my room listening to music, there's something to be said for having that bit of time to myself. I know when I start to feel frazzled that I'm not getting enough time to myself so I work hard to find a way to have that time because it is  my way of getting the self-care I need.

5. Music. Music has a way of moving me, of becoming part of traditions as well as memories both good and bad. I enjoy a variety of music from different genres and ages and play depending on my mood. Some songs are ones I go to if I am in a certain mood. Others I go to when I want to relax. There was a time when playing the piano was also very soothing for me but it's been so many years since I have done that. I do miss playing and singing, both things I did a lot more of when I was younger. Now my children are the one doing the singing and the playing. I hope someday they get the joy out of it I used to and I hope they are able to stick with it.

That's five which I think is a pretty good start. I have to say though that another thing I love is warm blankets on a cold night like tonight when the windchill is expected to reach -30 and the air temperature below 0. It's a good night for warm, fuzzy socks too! 

Who Am I?

It's strange but sometimes, I have a hard time figuring that out beyond somewhat broad labels. I'm a mother. I'm a wife. I'm an atheist. I am most definitely a work in progress. I'd like to think I'm at least a little closer to knowing who I am than I was at 23, even at 30. What's really interesting is when I consider those last two sentences. Both refer to me after the events of June of 2003. In that sense, there will always be this "before" me and this "after" me, this point where I diverged greatly from my original path. How might things be different if those events had not transpired?

My husband credits himself as being the one to have kept me from becoming too involved with my family. Yet, I don't think that's exactly the case. Maybe if my parents were still around, he would have been more of an influence on that end. Then again, maybe not so much. I don't think he really takes into consideration how much the events changed me, how seeing something like that happen in my own home, by people who were supposed to love and care for me shook me up to a massive degree. I don't think he sees that it delayed my flight into adulthood, a flight I was already struggling with because of the home I grew up in, a home that punished independence.

For years, I have struggled with figuring out who I am because I never quite felt I fit in anywhere. I always felt I was failing and would continue to fail. But in essence, that is part of the journey. We won't always know the answers, we are likely to make errors. The key is to learn and continue on. There was a time where for me, that was a struggle. Even now, set backs can be difficult for me and I have to force myself through those periods where I'm doubting myself.

I'm still trying to figure out who I am. I think who I want to be is more easily defined. At any rate, my goal is for the two to be one and the same. I want my actions to match my values and vice versa. Sometimes, that's not the case and it bothers me.

So I am an atheist, a wife, and mother. I'm also an aunt, a cousin, and a sister as well as a daughter. I strive to be kind, to think of others, and to help others when I'm able. I am one who feels deeply but has to hide much of what I feel therefore appearing stronger than I really am. I am someone who needs alone time but gets easily lonely. I am someone who is still trying to find her way in this crazy, mixed up world.

Happy New Year!

Let's hope it's a better one than last year. This past year's ride around the sun has been something and I've reached the end of it thinking of the changes I have made and the ones I need to make still. It's been awhile since I've really done anything as far as New Year's Resolutions but there are a couple I want to make for this year. One of which is to do more writing. So, I'll be starting with blog writing and maybe that will help me to move on from there and who knows, maybe I'll get back to actually writing some stories.

The biggest challenge as far as this resolution goes is to make the time to write (note I didn't say find the time). So many things do get in the way and it's entirely too easy to just make the excuse not to write and move it to a different day. Was tempted to do that tonight. Today unfortunately, I learned of two deaths, and on top of one I had learned about on Friday, it leaves me with a lot to think about in as far as family, life, death, and how people treat others.

I'm hoping that maybe making the time to write will help me process things more and get them out of my system. I also hope that it will get my creative juices going again.

So that's my plan on this first day of January in the year of 2018.