What's Next?

For me, 2017 was a year of changes. Even before 2016 ended, I was reaching goals I did expect to ever meet. I got my driver's license the day after I turned 36, something that I had desired for many years but was too afraid to really work towards. I graduated college with an associate's degree. I found a full-time job and I've been working at that job now for over three months.

Now, nearly a month into 2018, I find myself wondering what's next. What do I want out of my life? What goals do I want to meet? What do I want to accomplish? I don't know if those questions are more pressing now due to the current state of this country or if I'm just feeling it more due to my age. Maybe it's both? I can't help but feel I want to do more, I NEED to do more. Just what that is though, I'm not sure.

It's a little unsettling, this feeling. It's almost a state of restlessness. At the same time, I'm busy at work and most nights come home pretty worn out. I enjoy my job and it's not a difficult job but I do spend most of at least 8 hours on the phone, some weeks more due to mandatory extra hours. There will be changes there too, there always are in the kind of place I work at. But still, I don't think the question has fully been answered yet for me. What do I want out life? What do I want to accomplish? What are my ultimate goals?

It's interesting. In the first stage of dialectical behavior therapy, it's life threatening and life interfering behaviors that are addressed. I struggled more with life interfering than life threatening. I was unhappy and very aimless. There were days it was hard for me to get out of bed. I was homeschooling but hated it. I hated relying on John for money because his values were (and still are) so different from mine. I was living an existence I absolutely did not enjoy and felt I could do nothing about.

I'm extremely thankful and grateful to be past that but now, I want more from life than simply living day by day and going to work. The current state of the world, the current state of this country especially has me wondering what more I can do and how can I reach a point where I have the energy to accomplish all I wish to.

I'm even finding the freethinker's group I'm involved with lacking. I still enjoy the group and many of the discussions we have. However, in some ways, it is too inclusive and in others ways, it is not inclusive enough. It is a group of mostly older white adults. I'm one of the youngest. Politics are usually avoided unless it pertains to separation of church and state but even that isn't gone into as much as it should. The person who founded the group is no longer running it. He stepped down, understandably due to his age (he is in his mid-seventies) and health. The current president doesn't seem to be all that into it and my understanding is he doesn't plan to be president after March.

It's a freethinker's group in that it is a group of those who do not believe in a divine being but that's sort of the only requirement. And therein, I feel, lies the problem. Maybe it's because I'm younger. Maybe it's because I've watched too many episodes of Star Trek (just finished one about an hour ago). I think more needs to be stated than just a group of those who are non-believers who believe in separation of church and state. What about equal rights? What about taking care of those who are vulnerable in our society? What about inclusion?

I just feel like something is missing here and I feel like it is up to me to do something about it, I just don't know how to go about doing that or how to find the time and the energy that I sorely lack to do so.