... neither is Mother's Day but Father's Day in particular is hard because it is just before the anniversary and tends to trigger the beginnings of the grief I tend to go through as that time draws near.
This year, my mother called two days before and towards the end of our conversation, happened to mention that my dad was feeling lonely, that he feels forgotten by the Wisconsin side of his family (my sister and I) and would like to hear from us. I told her I would see but that this month is kind of difficult for that.
She talked to my sister afterwards and she said the same thing, maybe but probably not during June because the PTSD tends to get really bad. And this prompted my mom to say she never realized it was that bad for us. And it led me to realize that being where they are, neither are really aware of the impact of that day for us. That we both still struggle with PTSD, that the memory of what happened that day is still very vivid in our mind and can be triggered by any number of things.
Their current world is very small and narrow and they don't really have any concept of what's going on beyond the prison walls. And because of that, they really don't have an understanding of what it is we go through on a day to day basis. I'm not sure if they struggle with any issues from that day or not. I'm not sure I want to know.
It's a tricky dance in the mind to have any kind of a relationship with them. That I have one at all is by establishing some pretty firm boundaries. Still, it takes some mental gymnastics to have anything to do with them. My brother hasn't had any contact with my mother since the day she was sentenced over 18 years ago. It was years after before I was able to visit my mother for the first time and I still have not nor do I plan to visit my father. Email is about the extent of it.
June comes and with it more of the reminders, more of the grief and emotions. And so that becomes a struggle and the lines blur and make it harder to connect to them at all.
And no doubt there will be those who wonder why it is even there, why remember, why not move on. And I wish it were that easy. But it's not. Big events like that change the fabric of your life in a monumental way. We still read the names of all those who died on September 11, still have that moment of silence. People are still impacted by what happened that day. This is no different except for the size. Only one person was killed, two families affected but it still is a major event and thus, not one so easily forgotten.
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