So far 2014 has been uh, interesting, and not always in a good way.

The end of 2013 really seemed to be a turning point for all of us. We were able to get financing for a car that we all really liked and one that would be dependable for us. We were able to find a new place in a MUCH nicer neighborhood and moved there without bringing too many bugs with us (SO nice to have an apartment that wasn't crawling with roaches!). John had a dependable job with hours that gave us the money we needed and we were able to get a few things with the tax return.

Then we get to February. A job John had been waiting to hear from for some time finally became available. The original plan was to add this to the job he was already working in order to bring in more money to cover some of the extra expenses that came up from moving and owning a car. Somehow though, he had forgotten this and instead, quit the full-time job he had, just one week before starting the new job. The day before he's to start the new job, we're heading home from a friend's and get into a car accident. Our car is totaled. Insurance covered it but it takes a couple of months before we get a new car and that's a price increase. The new job, while paying more per hour, offered fewer hours. He got, at the most, 35 hours a week. We get the rental renewal notice for our place (original lease was for 8 months) and that went up $20/month to cover the water bill. Just over two weeks ago, John lost his job. They gave him the option of quitting instead of being fired and he took that, not thinking that at least if he was fired, he could have applied for unemployment.

It's been a rough couple of weeks and I'm pushing myself to get out there and do what I need to do to get back into the workforce instead of waiting for John to get another job. He doesn't seem to be all that motivated to do so this time around because in April, he started classes for his Master's degree online. His assignments seem to take up all his time now, even without having a job with it. I won't lie; I'm kind of disappointed in him but this is nothing new, unfortunately. What's different this time is is that I don't have a newborn or even a toddler dependent on me. My youngest will be 4 and has been weaned for awhile now. I'm trying to take this as a sign that it's time for ME to step up and do what needs to be done for the family.

It's not going to be easy though and I'm looking into all my options as far as assistance with job searching and what not. I've been working on getting my driver's license and I may look into going back to school as well. At 33 years old, I'm finally really working on my independence. I wish I could rely on my husband. His religious beliefs do seem to stem from an idea that the male is to be the provider for the family. But lately, I've been seeing that restlessness in him, that restlessness that brings us trouble. There's only so many times I can go through this before I have to decide that enough is enough, that the way things are being done currently just is not working.

So, I'm working on it, I'm trying to figure out what I want to do with my life and figure out how to make my OWN life a life worth living because really, I can't just keep following him around and watching him live his life the way he wants. I need to figure out what I want out of my own life and then do what it takes to get that life. It's a scary thing. It's all too easy to just sit there and watch life go by but I'm not happy with how this year is going and I can't keep waiting for it all to get better without doing anything to make it better. I have to push on and do what needs to be done.

I don't know what that is going to do to our relationship. I've been so dependent on him for so long that I think changing things around the other way will be a challenge. We'll see, I guess.

So here I am, almost a year later.

Where did the time go? It's June again and rather than wait until the week of the anniversary to deal with it, I'm trying to prepare and deal with it now. Not sure what that is all going to entail but distracting myself and trying to forget about it certainly didn't help. It happened and while the anniversary is nowhere near as bad as the event was itself, there are still a lot of emotions bottled up inside, emotions that are very much like a sealed and shaken bottle of soda, just waiting for the moment someone unsuspecting opens the cap.

There's still a lot I have not dealt with. Other than a few cards, I have not spoken with my dad since the impact statement I made in November of 2004. I talk to my mom fairly regularly as she calls me (collect but at least it's not too expensive). Part of the reason for this stems from our very rocky relationship when I was growing up. He was never an easy person to talk to, he was often volatile, and you just never knew what would set him off so it was just easier to avoid him which really was a shame because we're very much alike in our interests. When he did take the time to actually talk (as opposed to venting about my mom or older sister), he had a lot of knowledge and is a very intelligent person but very very often unapproachable. His constant anger and dislike of people and the world eventually drove us all away and so, in the years since the murder (which, as far as that goes, wasn't all that surprising a thing to have happened considering how volatile he was), I never really talked to him. A big part of that has been that fear of rejection as he had rejected me so many times while I was growing up. It had always been easier to control the relationship I have with my mom (especially now) but I never felt that way about my dad.

There are a lot of difficult and conflicting emotions to wade through and for the most part, I'm alone in that journey. For many, it's easier to just move on and forget about it but really, it's not that easy or that simple. It may have been almost 11 years but the impact of that day is still there. The loss of parental units (even if that loss is incarceration and not death) is still a loss and it was at such a time in my life where that loss was very acutely felt. I was 22 years old and still in need of some parental guidance. Since that time, I have been more or less swimming the waters of adulthood alone with no one to really get any advice from. Eleven years later and I'm still having trouble accepting that I'm pretty much on my own.

Lots of stuff going on these days and I don't see that changing anytime soon.

John and I both have student loans. John's are from way back when (though some of mine were combined with his just after we married) and I have a small loan from when I tried to go back to school for a semester. I did well but got pregnant before the semester ended so never went back. They ended up in default either during or shortly after our time in Korea and we've been spending the last year working to get them out of default because one issue with having student loans in default is that you don't get your tax returns; they go towards the student loans. So, we finally get them both out of default which meant being able to file our tax return (late but we did get them done). We got the return and we've been using the money to catch up on bills, set aside first month and security for a new apartment, and we used a good chunk of it to put money down on a car and then financed the rest of the amount. So now, we own a car and it's a pretty new car (for us as the newest we had previously was 1996). It's a 2005 Mercury Sable. It's been very nice to have a car again and makes life much easier to not have to totally rely on public transportation. Not to mention, having a car means not having to rent one in order for John to attend the Feast next week.

With the Feast of Tabernacles looming on the horizon, we've been preparing for that. Well, I haven't been too much myself because I'm not going with them this year; I'm staying home and getting a mommy vacation. But John is going down to the Dells with the two girls which means a bit of preparation needs to be done. He needed a new suit, haircut, new glasses, new shoes. The girls needed new tights and new shoes as well as clothes. They will be gone for 9 days so there's a bit of packing that goes into all of this which makes life a lot of fun during this time but once they are gone, I will have this nice week plus to get some things done around the house and in general, be able to pretty much go where I want without having to rush home for one reason or another. I will also get to drink my coffee and eat my toaster strudels in peace and have full access to my Kindle Fire HD without two girls fighting over who gets it next. They will get Daddy all week, stay in a hotel that includes a pool and even a kiddy water slide area, and be able to go to parks pretty much everyday (or other places) while they are done there. So, it will be good for everyone. They leave Wednesday and again, there's just a lot to get done.

We're also trying to find a new place to live. The situation in our current apartment is not improving. The landlord is not keeping on the bug situation and that's been getting worse again after they were almost eradicated. It's frustrating dealing with roaches in various places along with the general lack of maintenance that is done here in general. He's not a very good apartment manager at all; he cares more about getting his money than on maintaining his apartments. Sadly, because these are three bedroom apartment and they're cheaper than other 3 bedroom apartments in the area and he's willing to take just about any kind of pet, this place will be in demand even though again, the lack of maintenance done here is just atrocious. I mean seriously, we've been dealing with roaches here for close to two years. I'm done. And if that didn't do it, the fact that my husband's bike was stolen off the deck right in front of our apartment pretty much seals it for me.

The side of town we live in is the pits. It's the side of town that isn't dealt much with because it's the poorer end of town and it's not where the college students live. The college student area is the one that is always getting the attention and the focus and that's frustrating. It just seems to me like the town cares more about the college students, the kids who come and go, than about families who actually want to stick around. So more families are moving out of the city and into surrounding areas which is what we're looking to do. Hopefully we'll find something and we won't have a hard time getting a place to move to even with the lousy landlord (he hasn't been real big on giving his tenants decent references).

It's kind of frustrating because this is the only place we've lived since returning to the US 3 years ago and I really wish I hadn't moved here because of my sister. There were other options I could have looked into and I was pushed to find something quickly because she was getting kicked out of the place she was staying. And then she didn't even stay; she moved out as soon as my husband returned home.

So yeah, lots going on and lots to do and definitely never enough time to do it.

It was rough but I think I've gotten through the worse of it.

I don't think I'm going to be busting out a book on it anytime soon though. Friday was a difficult day for me. There were a lot of emotions and try as I might to distract myself and practice all of the various tools I've been learning in my skills group, I still struggled. Anxiety attacks in the early afternoon led to a dose of my anti-anxiety meds (which I take rarely, only got a refill since it had been a year since I had filled the last one even though I still had close to half the prescription left over). By ten that night I was feeling sick to my stomach and very much alone. Fortunately the next day I had an appointment with my therapist and that helped immensely. He apologized profusely for not anticipating my struggle and that was something though I know too that I have a tendency of putting on a brave front and thinking I'm going to be fine. For all the talk I have gotten from people in the past about how I "play the victim", the fact is is that more often than not, I try to deal with my problems on my own and THAT has led to more problems but I've learned the hard way that oftentimes, you are pretty much on your own.

So, it was a good session though difficult and we didn't even talk about what happened. I don't think I have actually told the story of the event in detail since the trials. I'm not even sure I can. I mean yeah, I can say I was there, I saw my dad shoot my brother-in-law but details? No. I try not to think of them. And yeah, I was disappointed in myself that it still had this much of an effect on me but was told that that was to be expected considering everything else behind it including the increase sensitivity I have to begin with along with the lack of support I had after the event both right after and as time went on. At any rate, some of the burden was lifted and I was able to admit to a few of the feelings I had kept inside for a long time, like how upset I was to have sort have been the forgotten one in the whole thing. I always felt that was kind of selfish of me though because I didn't lose my husband or my brother or my son. But I was there, had what amounted to front row seats to something extremely horrific and tragic. I had to deal with survivor's guilt because they were at my place because of me because my parents had worked me over so much I was freaking out. I had to deal with finding a new place, had to get through all of this without someone there to support me. John was in South Korea. My parents were in jail for the crime, and everyone else was dealing with their own problems. I had to find a new place to live (and not being married so having my maiden name which was splashed all over the news, that wasn't exactly easy), then move. I had to rehome a dog. I missed a month of work. There were hearings and various things to deal with and it was an extremely difficult time and not everyone around me was the most supportive. Plus, I also ended up being the one to take care of my little sister who was now a widow and halfway through her pregnancy and I'm only about five years older than she is.

So there's definitely a lot of emotions there, emotions that were never resolved, emotions that had to be shoved back in a cobwebby part of my mind so that I could do what needed to be done. I needed to get back to working, I needed to plan a wedding (well, I didn't really but it was about the only way I got through it--think Cristina Yang after the hospital shooting on Grey's Anatomy), I needed to get my sister ready for her senior year of freaking high school and plan for the arrival of her baby as well! It was insane and I had murder trials to deal with as well and all of those feelings and between the two trials, I had to put my dog down and I had had her since I was 13. Then I went back to school, then I got pregnant, then I had my firstborn and I had to deal with all of the trauma from that. There never really was a time to deal with what happened because there was always something else more immediate to deal with. And so I have shoved it away only dealing with it when something reminds me or the anniversary rolls around.

That I'm not any crazier than I am (and for the most part I am a functioning adult and the mother of two children, one of whom I am homeschooling) should be what amazes me but I tend to be harder on myself than that. I think that's because in the back of my mind, I'm afraid that this is only a facade, that really, it's just a matter of time before I crack up completely. Then too, I think it's hard for me to really know what is acceptable for me to feel and what is not having grown up in the kind of household I did where many of my feelings were not considered valid and were often ignored and scoffed at (and later on, medicated).

There are a lot of feelings to untangle, not just from the murder but from all the years before that, my whole childhood really. It's not just unlearning a lifetime of unhealthy behaviors and feelings but also relearning just what is healthy, what is valid, and how to deal with it appropriately. I'm working on it but there's still a lot I need to learn, that's for sure.

Time flies, even when you're not having fun...

It's always somewhere in the back of my mind. It may not be something I'm thinking about right at the very moment but it is and always will be one of those life-defining events. There's no doubt whatsoever that life as I knew it changed drastically and irrevocably due to that event and that other lives were drastically changed as well. There will always be life as I remember it "before the murder" and life as I know it and have known it now almost ten years.

And yet, in many ways, it doesn't feel like it's been ten years. There are so many emotions still there, still close enough to the surface that I can't recall the events that happened without becoming well, emotional about it all. Time has not passed on by enough that I can think back to that day without a great number of different feelings. It's why I haven't written a book and it's why I don't talk about it really unless something reminds me of it all. And it's also why I likely haven't filled out and sent in the visitor's form to go see my mom in prison knowing that this time it probably will be accepted.

Ten years...man, where has the time gone?

I'd like to think I've come a long way in the last year.

I will admit too that it's not something I have done entirely alone though I can't say it's been a higher power that has helped me. Two things I did in the beginning I think helped a lot. One, I left an online parenting forum that I felt was a negative influence in my life due to the constant competition among the parents in the forum. I did not find it to be a very supportive environment and it only got worse as time went on. I had been accused of playing the victim one time too many (far as I was concerned) and decided that enough was enough; I was done. So I left and it's been over a year since I last visited the site. I don't miss it at all. I had found some friends on there but found more people looking to stir up bad feelings and trouble and it just was not good for my mental health (and likely still is not which is why I haven't gone back). I instead returned to a forum I had gone back and forth with and picked and chose groups that fit me and I casually visit which makes it easier for me to keep an emotional distance. Later on, I was able to find some very good groups on Facebook and those are the ones I frequent most often.

Online groups are often not enough though. Local groups have been especially difficult for me to get into in the past but I finally found one that has been an excellent fit and better yet, one that stretches my intellectual muscles. I joined a local freethinker's group and that has been (tongue-in-cheek here) Spaghetti-Monster-sent. Through there, I have been introduced to such topics as evolution (something I'm trying to learn more about everyday because I find it SO fascinating), separation of church and state, religion, school vouchers, and much more. My world and horizons have been expanded and my thirst for knowledge increased many-fold. I have even attended a Unitarian Universal service. I find myself, really for the first time in a long time, not angry and negative about beliefs but positive about my quest to establish and confirm what I do believe. I may not believe in the god of the bible but that does not mean I have no beliefs at all. I'm constantly seeking to add to my personal belief and moral system and while that may differ from many who do believe in God, in many ways, they are the same. It's hard to explain.

I do not see myself as one of those "angry atheist" as many are stereotyped to be (not that they aren't out there but there are also some pretty angry Christians out there too). I am seeking and striving to figure out my place in the world and in the universe, trying to figure out what values are important to me. Not all of those values are taken from a book written almost 2000 years ago. Some may seem to fly in the face of what's in that book but then again, it is a book that has not evolved as much as human consciousness has.

It is interesting how finally figuring out that I didn't believe in God has lead to move positive changes in my life than trying to hold onto Christian beliefs has. But that has been MY experience and I don't expect it to be that way for everyone. One thing I seek to do is try and understand where others are coming from in their experiences and beliefs. There's a lot that comes into play when deciding our beliefs and it's a very personal thing indeed. I do grow frustrated with narrow-mindedness and the idea some have that EVERYONE has to believe what he/she believes because that is the ONLY belief there is. And I really hate it when religion gets involved in politics and affects education. Those, I will admit, are kind of my pet peeves. But beyond that, I know that for most people, religion is something that brings them comfort and would not want to take that away from them. I wish I could say it had done the same for me, but it never did, even when I was at my most fervent in my beliefs. But I am not without comfort. I merely find it in the tangible and in the wonders of our world and universe. 

If you're still with me after all this time and after I have come out of the atheist closet...

...thanks. I'm not the greatest at keeping up with the going ons in my life. I find it hard enough completing my diary card for therapy each week.

Anyway, as usual, I'm making changes to my various blogs. I'm not doing anything too crazy but I do have a homeschooling blog up now and have links to my other blogs on this one as well as the other ones (but I only have a link to this blog on one of my other blogs). Now if I can just stay on top of my blogging.

Since I haven't updated much in the last year, should probably mention that I'm doing quite a bit better as far as moods and stuff. I'm still on Prozac which has really helped to dampen the crazy-intense emotions I was feeling and I have the dose pretty well set now. I was seeing a therapist who went on leave back in January and while she was out, was able to get a place in the local DBT program. DBT stands for Dialectical Behavior Therapy. So we have the meds to help regulate the moods and now I'm in the program to learn how to better manage my moods so that the things I do aren't as destructive. Considering I'm the daughter of two parents serving life in prison for murder, this is a VERY good thing for me to learn. So, that's kind of the short version of what's been going on.

Don't Freak Out!

LOL I have added some posts from a blog I had started that I realized I didn't want to keep going with. SO, I imported them to this blog and the blog that I posted the past four posts on will be turned into a homeschooling blog. I realize that a few people who read my blog may be a tad offended by my coming out as an atheist. It wasn't a one day thing. It's something I've been struggling with for over half of my life. I know some will wonder how anyone can deny the existence of God. Well, that's hard to explain. It's not even something I can explain to my husband in a way he understands. But I will say this, it has lifted a burden I had felt for a long time. Again, it's hard to explain. All I can really say is that while I know of many who find religion to be a comfort, I never did. So, I hope that my beliefs won't change what people feel about me. I don't feel that it changes me at all. I'm the same person I've always been, though if anything I actually feel more optimistic about things than I did before. But my personal beliefs and values have not changed at all, they're just now more compatible with my belief system. That was one of the things I had struggled a lot with in the past, the fact that some of the things that were important to me, that I valued, were not valued by the religious beliefs of those around me. I felt I had to hide certain parts of myself from people in order to fit in, something I never felt right about.

Anyway, I hope that those of you who have been following me will continue to do so but if not, I can understand that too. Peace.

This has not been a very productive month thus far...

Started December with a severe case of vertigo. Had a couple of days of that. Then I ended up feeling emotionally overwhelmed the second weekend of December, just bogged down by everything and frustrated with not getting things caught up. And now, I'm sick again. Was hit this past Thursday with vertigo, sick all day on Friday, and Saturday the cold hits and I've been fighting that. I finally took all three of us to the doctor's on Tuesday after an awful night with Isabelle waking up and crying several times. Plus, we had to be out of the apartment for at least two hours for spraying (still trying to get rid of those bugs). Verdict: I have a sinus infection; Isabelle has an ear infection; and Natalie has a cold. Isabelle and I are both on antibiotics (joy). So HOPEFULLY soon we'll all be on the mend because seriously, I cannot stand being sick anymore. Of course, the way it stands I'll get better only to be housebound by the monster blizzard we're expecting to start tonight. *sigh* It's probably a good thing I don't seriously celebrate Christmas because this is shaping up to be a pretty crappy holiday.

I can't do it all anymore.

I've been trying to though and it's really starting to get to me. Natalie started her online classes back in the beginning of September and from the beginning, she's been fighting me. She's very intelligent, does very well with her work, WHEN she does it, but most of the time, she doesn't want to do it. She's hungry or she has to use the bathroom or she wants to go play with her friend, or she wants to play with her ponies or she wants to look up ponies online or insert any of several dozen excuses. She fell behind and we have been trying to catch up since. Part of the reason I went with to the feast was because I was hoping to get some of Natalie's lessons caught up and hopefully keep her from falling more behind. Nope, didn't work. She just kept fighting me. It's been more than THREE months of this. It's been more of three months of basically having to spend the ENTIRE day working on her with her lessons and trying to get a schedule figured out so that she's not falling even more behind but it doesn't seem to matter what I do, she just keeps falling behind because she will not do all of her lessons.

In the meantime, the apartment has been neglected. Laundry is always several weeks behind. I'm constantly running out of clean clothes. We've had the exterminator here a couple of times to deal with the bug problem we have in the complex and because of that, we still have a bunch of boxes in the living room packed up with stuff. I've been working in a non-fully stocked kitchen which drives me NUTS!

My office is a disaster. I keep trying to find time to clean it and there just isn't any. Anything that's mine ends up in here because if it's anywhere else in the apartment it gets lost or thrown out. And I'm constantly losing things in the office because it's not organized and I'm trying to homeschool Natalie in my office as well.

Because of the bugs, we no longer have a couch or a TV or a VCR. The girls broke the coffee table. The chairs that went with our dining room table are almost all broken so we have plastic deck chairs instead. We have ONE recliner in the living room, that's it. My husband's computer is on the dining room table. We almost never eat at the table all together.

Fridays and Saturdays are my husband's days off. Saturday is the sabbath so he does nothing and is gone at church with the girls all day. Friday I either try to get lessons done or I try and get errands done. I can't do both. If the one is done, the other is not. I'm the person who does pretty much ALL of the laundry and I do ALL of the shopping.

I...AM...BURNING...OUT. I ended up in psych last year for four days because I finally lost it. I went on meds and did a lot better than I was doing before but medication cannot do everything. There's too much going on, too little time for me to get things done, and I live with a man who makes MORE work for me instead of helping me. He can be as bad as a child sometimes. And yet, even though I'm doing all of the work, I have VERY little control over the finances. HE makes the large financial decisions and does it without even talking to me! He took out a pay day loan that we absolutely could not afford, he didn't even attempt to figure out a budget to see if we could afford it. He just took it out because he could and he needed to fund his trip to the feast. And yet, if I spend even $5 on the girls for Christmas, I'm a horrible and rebellious person because I'm celebrating that evil pagan holiday. And forget putting up a tree. Just forget it.

I walked out today. Just put socks and boots on, threw on my coat and walked out. Before that I was screaming at the girls, screaming at my husband on the phone, and just in general having a massive breakdown. Nineteen lessons overdue with the thread of a truancy violation if I don't get her down to ten lessons overdue by Tuesday. NOTHING got done on Friday because I went out to pay the RENT (which we're almost a month behind on) and get DIAPERS which we were almost out of, two things I cannot depend on my husband to do because he gets so distracted it takes him HOURS to get out the door to do ANYTHING. Which is why half the time Natalie's phy ed lessons don't get done because he doesn't have the time to do it before he leaves for work. So I walked out, walked out of the apartment where my two year old was screaming her head off, walked out and left them both alone while I went for a walk. And I think I even left the oven on. I walked to calm down because I just couldn't take it anymore. I walked in that white, snowy, winter wonderland that was forming (because we got our first snowstorm today) and wished that I wasn't in the middle of a town but back on the farm where I grew up, back where it would have been still and silent and white and peaceful.

I walked back home though. And fortunately my neighbor was there when I got back. My daughter went next door and got him. And my husband came home from work shortly after that (about three hours early). I went and took a nap and now, I just feel numb.

I don't how much more of this I can take though. I want out of my marriage; I want out of what I see as a prison sentence. And no, I don't see my children as part of that but it's SO hard to do EVERYTHING and not have ANY help or ANY say. I can't talk to my husband without him getting defensive and saying I'm attacking him. And then when he does the same thing, he gets mad when I get upset and says I'm being overly sensitive and taking it personally. I can't win. I can't get through to him. I'm getting to where I don't even want to try anymore. It's just not worth it.

So yeah, today I feel like a massive failure as a parent but that's nothing new. I always feel like I'm failing.