Who Am I?

It's strange but sometimes, I have a hard time figuring that out beyond somewhat broad labels. I'm a mother. I'm a wife. I'm an atheist. I am most definitely a work in progress. I'd like to think I'm at least a little closer to knowing who I am than I was at 23, even at 30. What's really interesting is when I consider those last two sentences. Both refer to me after the events of June of 2003. In that sense, there will always be this "before" me and this "after" me, this point where I diverged greatly from my original path. How might things be different if those events had not transpired?

My husband credits himself as being the one to have kept me from becoming too involved with my family. Yet, I don't think that's exactly the case. Maybe if my parents were still around, he would have been more of an influence on that end. Then again, maybe not so much. I don't think he really takes into consideration how much the events changed me, how seeing something like that happen in my own home, by people who were supposed to love and care for me shook me up to a massive degree. I don't think he sees that it delayed my flight into adulthood, a flight I was already struggling with because of the home I grew up in, a home that punished independence.

For years, I have struggled with figuring out who I am because I never quite felt I fit in anywhere. I always felt I was failing and would continue to fail. But in essence, that is part of the journey. We won't always know the answers, we are likely to make errors. The key is to learn and continue on. There was a time where for me, that was a struggle. Even now, set backs can be difficult for me and I have to force myself through those periods where I'm doubting myself.

I'm still trying to figure out who I am. I think who I want to be is more easily defined. At any rate, my goal is for the two to be one and the same. I want my actions to match my values and vice versa. Sometimes, that's not the case and it bothers me.

So I am an atheist, a wife, and mother. I'm also an aunt, a cousin, and a sister as well as a daughter. I strive to be kind, to think of others, and to help others when I'm able. I am one who feels deeply but has to hide much of what I feel therefore appearing stronger than I really am. I am someone who needs alone time but gets easily lonely. I am someone who is still trying to find her way in this crazy, mixed up world.